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Touch And Go

I think many people are brought into our lives as lessons, they teach us the unknown element that we are missing. While they may stay for awhile, eventually you lose the connection or move on. One particular connection I’ve had for exactly a year, has taught me so much about myself. I learned self love because of this person, they taught me that I didn’t have limits, and if I did they were self imposed. I had to learn to move on from many things in life, some that I didn’t realize I had outgrown. Last year I had many opportunities come my way, but some of them weren’t for me. I step away from things that don’t bring me value in life, that includes people, business ventures, etc. That isn’t to say that I didn’t see value in that moment, it’s long term that wasn’t part of the plan.

My secondary business for instance, takes time to grow, and right now with my health crisis that will remain on the back burner. I need to focus on what has brought me success, and that is Taaury37. It’s what I’m known for and what connects me to others, I’m not selling you anything but the reality of myself. When I deleted other social media because it was just too much for me, especially the endless notifications I would receive day and night, while I was trying to sleep. Even when I able to answer it was more or less something that didn’t really pertain to me. The other aspect was I work full time, I’m also a student, this pandemic and working in the midst of it, that’s my main focus. Surviving this during yet another surge is so important, I don’t have time for the fight or flight mode. I wish I had more time to dedicate to it, but right now my vision is clear and that’s the scope I’m going with.

I have a 2-5 year plan in place for myself, and after the restrictions of this pandemic and travel are lifted, I would like to make it a reality. I’ve spoken about before and I will continue to manifest the life I deserve. I want to travel even if means experiencing it alone, I have no fear of that. Sometimes the best experiences are the ones that you create by yourself. Even as a spouse to someone, it’s important to not lose yourself in your relationship, because you begin to resent them. I am not specifically talking about my own situation, but I’ve seen women, go with their best friends and travel and have the time of their lives. Simply because they remembered to still put themselves first. As you I’m not a parent, other to a cat, so nothing is truly tying me down, when it comes to my goals.

Years ago, I wouldn’t have wanted o own a home or land, etc. Now I see it as an investment, and I’m working very hard on my credit score and student loan payments, so that one day I can own the “American Dream”. That plan isn’t local and if it does end up that way, I plan to rent it out and use the money for stocks. Since money is becoming is more liquid, it’s important to have assets that make sense. That’s why the development and future of Taaury37 is my main goal. In the future I see myself as a more creative entrepreneur, I mean I created this from a daydream, and it connects with so many.

One of my main goals this year is collaborate with other mental health coaches and industry leaders. My voice while it is strong, will roar loader with a pack behind me. There is so much untapped potential in what I have to offer this. It’s not just the podcast or the blog, but speaking publicly or remote to an audience who can hear my story. That is what Taaury37 is all about, my story and experiences, as a woman who’s seen the world through different lenses. While that may be different for folks, I’m blessed what I’ve done, and accomplished so far. To be in the place that I am before 40, I’m pretty freakin proud of myself.

To dig myself out of the deepest depression of my life and flip it around, and use my resilient spirit to transparently tell my story is brave. Years ago I wouldn’t have shared anything, more so I would have pretended I was fine. In reality I was anything but fine, I was damaged. I still am, but I’m starting to heal a lot more, I feel the emptiness slipping away, the gaps of my heart and soul are filling up again. As I look at the cotton candy outside, I give thanks to the Universe, and to the people who helped me grow last year. This year 2021 will be my year, the building of Taaury37 and it becoming the empire that I have envisioned for myself. I may not always share every bit of my success, but trust me it’s there. It’s a bigger of the puzzle, that I connect . My self love and mental health journey, is here to stay and I can’t wait to share all of things my future is going to hold. Take a seat on this wild ride together ❤️

Take Care,

Taaury37

Featured

Second Time Around

Happy 2021! With this we expect for life to slowly turn around for us, as a nation and individually, with the promise of a fresh start. 365 blank new entries in what we call life, I for one am embracing it fully. Last year ended with the unexpected decline of my health, including multiple visits to the ER and many tears shed. While I’m no closer to get an exact diagnosis, it was truly a wake up call for me. I spent so much of last year worried about others and what their needs were, I forgot about myself. I could honestly feel my body being pushed to the absolute brink, and yet I kept going. I didn’t want to let anyone down, my co workers or my bosses. Instead being a patient numerous times during or after my shifts began. The last visit I literally said to the Dr “I can’t go on like this anymore”. To battle with your body and mind on how to function is the hardest thing I’ve gone through. To not have control over how you are feeling, is something I don’t wish on anyone.

While I haven’t been feeling like myself, I have disconnected. As I’ve mentioned in the last couple of blogs, I have been on social media much less. I don’t need to mindlessly scroll on IG or FB, etc to feel fulfilled in my life. I had to find my own purpose and center myself. That includes being much more private about my life and business and putting up boundaries. Yes, social media does have a big implication on how well this and my podcast do, but in the same logic I’ve built an audience so I’m not fully concerned. Sometimes less is more and that includes the stress that it adds. Currently my main focus is getting better, and being able to tolerate the pain I am dealing with on a daily basis. That pain if you haven’t been following from the beginning is gastric pain and GERD. This is genetics at work, so there wasn’t a way to dodge this bullet. My biological father had stomach cancer and my late mother died from Stage 4 colorectal cancer, so this isn’t something I am taking lightly in the least. April is the earliest I can get answers, so I apologize in advance if I have to take a break before then. I have to put myself first this year, no if’s, ands or buts.

Back to this year and it’s forecast, I’ve made changes in my life, that I’m proud of and there are more coming. The first one is starting an elimination diet, that will help with said digestion issues, and finally pinpoint what exactly is triggering some of my other health issues. Whether is bio, chem or environmental, I would like to know what footing I’m going to be on. Keeping a diary and using Pinterest, as vision board, and having accountability partners, Mikki and Melissa makes this 100% doable!

Secondly, I’m taking this whole mental health and myself seriously this year. Last year as I’ve said was coming back to myself, this year is using those tools to build a new foundation for my life. Going forward, I don’t live for anyone but myself. That’s something that I’ve been doing too long, my own feelings on the back burner just festering. When they have reached a boil, it’s had some pretty bad outcomes. Part of the transparency I’ve spoken about it is being open about my own issues. When you feel your own mental health detoriating and seeking help, there is no shame in that. Last year was very tough on me mentally, and brought many challenges, some very unexpected. You have to learn to live in the uncomfortable, to get comfortable with yourself again.

2020, was a gift and a curse for us all, whether you found love or felt loss, everything happened for a reason. The people who you thought would always be there, either were or removed for reasons you may never understand. Friends will always be the people you can turn to in your darkest hours and my family has come through majorly after a long time of just being in limbo. Always look for blessings through the tears and heartache, because those are the things that help us move on. I received a gift card for Christmas, and with that I bought a necklace, Alex and Ani “Godspeed”. I mean I could have gotten anything on Amazon that was worth my wild, but I kept going back to the necklace. It was as if it spoke to me, the meaning of it is protection, blessings and journey, all which fit me to a t. If last year hadn’t happened, my eyes wouldn’t have been so open to the opportunities that I’ve been blessed with. The protection I have is from above including my Mom and the Universe which is always looking out for my best interest. Lastly the journey, I don’t think that ended with last year, it’s just begun. With every thought and dream that flows through these typing fingers, I realize what my reality is. Life as we know is an ever changing journey, until we reach our permanent destination ✨

Take Care,

Taaury37

New Year, Same You

We are halfway through this month, which means surprise we have survived 2021 so far! While we have already been challenged as a nation so far, it’s the inner workings of ourselves that matter most. This month so far for me has been many revelations, things are falling into place slowly. It’s not to say that my life is perfect, because it’s not and I’m okay with that. I have however finally received a diagnosis after many visits to the Emergency Room, which resulted in tears and frustration. What changed this time, was that I advocated for myself a lot more, I am not the type to seek meds for problems I believe can be solved. Covid unfortunately has put a strain on health care, so that it’s been difficult to get an appointment in a timely fashion. I haven’t and won’t give up on that aspect, it’s just a waiting game now.

That waiting game has lead me to review a lot about myself personally. What was I doing wrong, that could possibly be causing this agonizing pain? Well keeping a diary and slowly weeding out everything that I’ve been eating for years, helped me turn that corner. I know now exactly what my food triggers and how to address them. I’m listening to my body more, and what nourishes it and it what may be poison to me. I don’t think I could continue to go on in pain like I’ve been. My diagnosis you might be wondering, is H Pylori. That is a parasite and bacteria which lives in your body, and causes destruction untreated. I am currently on 3 medications, to help to treat the symptoms, while I wait for the above mentioned appointment. I would say the sleepless nights and hrs of vomiting have the most trying times of my life . I’ve also seen my body go through a metamorphosis, it’s gotten smaller, whether by my dieting or being sick.

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day before I got dressed, and I was like in shock. You don’t notice things that change about you, until you face them head on right? Looking at the exhausted reflection, was sad for me, I’ve struggled lately with things no one knows. To drag myself out of bed everyday and take medication to function, when there wasn’t an ounce of energy in this body. I was taught to be a fighter, I’ve been through this once before, and it took me months to get better, I expect the exact same result. Between the tears, I’ve learned how strong I am, what I’m capable of, I can push myself to do things that maybe I shouldn’t be, but that’s my nature. I believe in putting others before myself, even when it backfires on me. Sometimes I have to remember, the reason why I resent certain things, is because of how I react to them. There is always a different road to take, life isn’t a high wire act.

As I prepare myself for what could be the most successful year of my life, I have to remember how this all began. It was the pandemic that made this happen, it continued because I was able to bridge the gap, and it’s grown in ways I never dreamed of. My audience, you is what inspires me to bring out the best of me. I would say that sometimes getting stuck in my own thoughts, is what creates lack of consistency. My podcast for instance I try to tap those on weekends, if I work it doesn’t fit my schedule and I fall behind, that’s I’m trying to change. Here, is like a blank canvas and when I write, I feel so alive, it’s a feeling I can’t describe. As I type and all of the electrical current runs through me, I just smile and keep going. Like Ace says always be free with your thoughts, people do relate to them, I think that’s what truly inspires me to keep going. Every single post on here has represented me and my growth as a person in the last year. I never thought something that was considered a diary, could make impact that is has. I want to thank you for all that you do, with the comments, the feedback and for coming back to Taaury37 every time I post. I promise I will always do you proud, I won’t ever forget who I am, and what built this: passion, my audience and my love of storytelling.

Take Care,

Taaury37

Always You And I

When I do write about my relationship, I’m very cryptic, and choose my words very carefully. I do that because let’s be honest, there is only so many details I will divulge about myself. My significant other, is literally my better half. When I do mention him, I always speak within my own code language, because that’s the agreement we have in sharing. Our life is private, because we both have jobs that don’t really allow us to over share, and while you can Google me, my actual job will always be mute. The following is what I will share about us and our love story, and how it’s influenced the way I feel and think about life as a whole.

As I’ve grown in the last year as a person, and branched out completely, he has been the tireless cheerleader, listening to everything I’ve had inside this head. He’s always said to me, “Taaury if you can dream it, you will achieve it, and I will be behind you 1000%”. It’s never been a question of me thinking that I’m alone in building my dreams into a reality, it’s been a partnership throughout. From the days of Taaury37’s infancy, we have put our relationship and it’s transparency out there. I don’t share my relationship on my social media anymore because, I’ve had breaches of security and a stalker out of it. So by sharing little details here and there on this blog, I don’t think it hurts either of us. This goes back my boundaries statement in my last blog. Less is sometimes so much more.

I’ve talked about my marriage and past relationships on my podcast, and he’s heard every single episode. With my blog, he is the first person to get to proofread what I’m saying, and gives me advice if I need to switch something up. Most of the content here is mine solely, any additional support comes solely from my life experiences. The dynamic that I share with him is like a spider that weaves different patterns, and creates a labyrinth. Our life is something is about fulfilling the dreams we discuss in the future, like way down the line. Right now though, we are creating a life that we don’t half to wake up from.

Without being super corny, I can share our nicknames for each other. I’m Baeboo and he’s Ace. It may not make any sense to anyone else, but it does to us. They say you meet the love of the your life, after the biggest mistake of it, I see it differently. The people you choose to love, and are able to pick up on your love languages, are the ones that didn’t always fit your type of criteria. When you look outside of the box, and see someone for who they are: good, bad or indifferent. The things that make us a strong couple are our differences, he’s a stubborn Taurus and I’m a fiery Cancer. When we disagree, we agree that it’s not worth ruining the bond we have, always talk it out and he is my best friend. He’s not just my spouse, lover and keeper of my heart, he has helped to bring out the person I hid for so long.

I know that sometimes we have to find many frogs, before as women we kiss that prince. That isn’t to say that the moments we have to get there, aren’t worth it. Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve taken something away, that helped to shape my identity. Love does hurt at times, breakups and divorce happen, but so does the healing which brings you full circle. The person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life , could be just around the corner, waiting for you to open your eyes and see them. Aesetics aside, my type changed over my dating history and finally with me being married. It’s the things that the naked eyes don’t see, which matter the most. Ace, you are the hero in my fairytale, you saved me in moments where darkness consumed me. I believe in love and soulmates because of you and your laugh, smile and eyes that shine with so much joy to be apart of my life. From the snores, falling asleep during movies, and good morning texts that will never get old, thank you for loving me unconditionally, that is a gift I can never thank the Universe enough for. In closing, I hope that your “person” finds you in this year or the future. For someone to embrace your imperfections and flaws, and still love the absolute shit out of you, is indescribable. For me it will always be him and I 💕

Take Care,

Taaury37

The Ways Of Wisdom

Thank you. Those are the first words that come to mind when I think of this year and what’s its done for me. Before all of this, I was just Taaury, the introvert and book smart woman. What has become of that is someone who is beyond comfortable in her own skin and understands her full impact on others. Writing this blog and my podcast have both been a dream come true, and being able to relate to so many different demographics out there, well I would have never even dreamed of that last year or ever. I’m going through my own personal version of the rewind of this year, let’s dig in shall we.

January 2020, it’s always a tough part of the year for me and it’s the ending of my months long mourning cycle. As I’ve mentioned many times it’s also the beginning of the awakening, I had been seeking for the last 5 years. The power of prayer and guidance definitely helped me get through those dark moments. To finally have a breakthrough after all these years of wallowing in my own unhappiness, was a relief. I know that my Mom was looking out for me that night and hasn’t stopped since. That’s not to say everything that has happened in the meanwhile has been perfect, but it’s taught me a lot about myself.

The ability to love and be loved truly are different for me. Well my definition of what it love was for the longest time. It was flawed, and even when I dated and got engaged, and eventually married, I’m not sure that it was what I thought. My heart had been an ice box since my Mom’s death, and that’s not to say I don’t know love or feel it, it’s just very different for me. It takes me awhile to feel out a person and their true motives for me to fully accept that love and caring from you. Somewhere along the way, I lost my way to feel complete emotion, and that’s something that I still struggle with even today. My perception of unconditional love, is what I received from my mother and my grandparents. It was like that warm blanket of security, that got ripped away as I got older. The reality of life was setting in whether or not I was prepared. Now I had to face my demons of life alone, even though in reality I’m not alone, it feels that way.

One thing I will never shy away from is my transparency of my story. It’s important for others who relate, not to see the glossed over version, aka a happy ending. My life is a mixed bag of emotions, and will always have its highs and lows, it how I choose to use them which is the real lesson here. I live life according to how I feel it should be. If you know me in real life you can see that, it’s on my own terms, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The decisions I make fit what I feel will impact me long term. That includes the failures I’ve experienced, that have etched their place in my mind, reminding me of what not to repeat in the future. I will always and foremost put my peace of mind and health before anything that I do, if it doesn’t serve my life and it’s purpose, it becomes a mute point.

In 2021, I will be making many changes to my life, some my even surprise people. Thing is I have to start living for myself, not for others and their opinions of me. I’m not done working on myself by any means, the course however has been set. I can look at myself in the mirror and say now, I love the person I’ve become. That’s been off and on the case for years, but I’ve really battled back from many things, that should have sunk me. If you are wondering what the breath of fresh air I refer to is, it’s the ability to understand where I stand in life.

In closing, things to remember when making New Years affirmations: don’t do it. We have gone through a worldwide pandemic, seen the world we know it come to a stop, anything you freaking accomplish is damn amazing! Whether next year includes yet another career pivot, a life change or just getting out of bed and dressed, I’m proud of you. The community that I continue to grow, will always be one of things that keeps me grounded. Let me reintroduce the person you met months ago, I’m Taaureane Rasheediah, medical site screener, blogger, podcast host and mental health advocate, thank you for allowing me to be apart of your routine and world. I’m also a wife, daughter and friend, a jack of trades and many hats. Your presence has allowed me to be the person that I was meant to be all of this time. If there is one promise I can make going forward and always, I will always be the flashlight, that beams in the darkness for you to see.

Take Care,

Taaury37

Always count your blessings, not your problems ✨

Road To Redemption

I sit here with the biggest smile, I have been able to pull off the best of me. What I’ve learned in the past couple of weeks, is how strong I am as a person. I’ve struggled with work issues and it’s spilled over into my life at home. No one wants to be an emotional basket case every single day. That was me, and an event recently triggered a positive response. I chose to take the more intentional road and move on. No that doesn’t mean that I quit, that means I know my personal limits and I’m maxed out truly. You have do a lot of soul searching sometimes, in order to find the clarity you don’t quite see. I’ve known for quite awhile that this chapter was ending, and I stayed because people I care about are there. This medical issue that happened, was a blessing in disguise.

All of these events, have prompted me to want more for myself. I can’t pour from an empty or shattered cup. Sometimes in life it isn’t fair, you can’t continue on a path to self destruction. When you look in the mirror and you don’t even recognize who you are becoming, that’s a sign ladies and gentleman. Your life is something you can control, well certain events. The ones you can’t, you work around, you make the best of a situation, not knowing the outcome. Life as it is complex and complicated, doesn’t get easier. What does get easier, your fight and I’m not saying violence. When you speak up for yourself, you have to remember amplify your voice, but choose your words carefully. Never give anyone the power to have a say on your future, but you.

In my personal case, I chose to look for a different position, like I stated previously I’m burnt out on the food industry. It took me 5 days, 2 interviews and I got the job!! Here’s the thing though, I was able to hit that interview out of the park, answering 1 question. What I said you can’t teach, that is instilled inside you from day 1. It’s very important to remember where you came from, because those are tools that set you up as an adult. You aren’t always meant to fit in a world where there is so much discord. I’ve said it a million times here and my podcast, you have to brand YOU.

There is no other individual like you on this planet. You either break the mold, or restructure it, but you need to bring your own light to the world. It’s not easy to carry the strength, when you are worn down. At that point you realize there is so much more in the world to discover. I had to take a chance on myself, I need to find a way back to me. My smile has been lately, not just because I wear a mask, but because I’ve been lost. I am not afraid to admit that, little cracks inside of my exterior show. The public would see one side and privately, I struggled. It took my hands and the ability to be who I was to make me see the light. The light it shines so bright, you can’t help but be enveloped by it.

Back to the events that lead to this, there comes a moment when you know it’s time. That moment was Monday, but I had already made my mind up in the last two weeks. A penny fell from a tray in front of me heads up that afternoon. Little signs add up to me. During one of my many Drs appts I had said, I know that the time is coming and I want to prepare myself. That night I said a prayer, I ask God to please give me guidance. The next day HR emailed me, I called back and we proceeded with a second interview. This took place today and within moments of meeting my future boss, I knew I made the right decision. I was walking away to something that makes so much more sense to me and I get to grow as a person.

I don’t just preach about growing here and not taking my own advice. Heck no, I believe that events have to line up to make sense. When something is set is motion, you can’t block the progress. What you can do is make it a reality, I knew that I was going to find something, not so soon but I’m beyond happy. Right after the interview, I took the biggest sigh, because I knew that this is a new beginning for me. All the tears, the anxiety, the hurt and this recovery happened for a reason. We may not always see the lesson when something happens, but what follow is the best is yet is to come ✨

Take Care,

Taaury37

The Conscious and Choices

In life we have many different choices, when to begin something and when to end it. The crossroads we sometimes find ourselves at, because an empass that we can’t sit by and ignore this call to action. Life changes in an instant, the familiar routines are pulled from under you. Adapt or stay behind are the choices you are faced with. What would you choose to do? I am choosing to adapt and by that I mean moving on.

There are times in your life that despite your best effort, you don’t see something working. If you have left everything on the table and it still isn’t working, well you need end what it is. This includes a job, a relationship or life issues in general. I mean you can’t force something to fit into what it used to be. We all grow differently and we evolve, not meant to stay stagnant in a position. For me personally this has an issue, I’ve worked in the same industry for 18 years. I’m tired and I’m burnt out, and COVID was an eye opener for me. I’m not the girl who works in the Caf anymore, I’m Taaury37.

This blog alone has touched so many people, literally around the world. I just wanted people to read and say “hey this girl is smart, I like her style”, instead I’ve seen places in my stats that I dream of visiting. As a person who wasn’t sure what her goal was 5 months ago, you the readers have help me to grow, as a writer and a person. I can’t thank you enough for doing that. In being burnt out, my solace has been this and my podcast. They help me to be able to keep on track where I’m going, not where I stand now.

When I chose to look for a different position within the hospital, I realized that I am much more than I’ve given myself credit for. For the most part, people like me and I like them too. There will always be differing of personalities and the method of how your style of work is. No one is perfect, and we are equals. I’ve been in leadership roles and I’ve been at the bottom of the totem pole, however I haven’t changed as a person. I want to always be humble about my success, I want you experience it with me. The stories that I tell here, are mine, even if it’s indirectly. If you visited my workplace, by description you would know who I’m talking about. These little blips and bumps on the radar are what shapes my world. The world that I share with you unfiltered.

The feelings that I’ve been getting, lately is motivation to move on. To change the industry not the place of work. Anyone who has worked in any kind of food service, knows what I’m feeling. There is just a time, when you have held every role possible, that the glass ceiling is shattered. When I do end up leaving my department, I do it with the comfort her I’ve done everything I set out to do. I walked into that building 4 years ago, as an amateur, and I’ve built a reputation and created bonds that I am forever grateful for. Every novel has an ending, and you want to leave a situation on your own terms. In my case it’s 50/50, because of my hands and the issues around it I feel that I need to step away from the roles that I hold. The experiences and people hold a place in my heart forever. This is my curtain call of sorts, final at bat and taking my bow.

When that happens, the things I look forward to is new experiences. A role that I’ve never had before, getting to wear nail polish and do my hair. In my adult life because I work with food, I’ve never gotten to experience that, so it’s kinda a big deal to me haha. I feel like I’ve finally come into my own as a person, and I know that change while scary, is good for the soul.

No matter what my next direction is in life, I know that the path I’m taking is the one I created. No leaving behind metaforical crumbs to get back home. Time to step out of the comfort zone and make my mark. This and my podcast aren’t the most simple, yet I make them work. Knowing that I have the support of the people I love the most, means the world. I will forever be the driving force behind myself and my body of work. Cheers to the future, it’s looking so bright ✨

Take Care,

Taaury37

The Symphony Of My Soul

Today is my birthday and with that I blow out so more candles, 38 to be exact. So is there a midlife crisis? Nah I’m good, I’ve actually felt like the last year was one of growth. I needed to do through the tough times to get the better part of my life. Life can be challenging at times but I think for the most part that’s what keeps us strong. We need the swift kick in the ass sometimes, when we get too familiar and have routines. This is also known as a reality check.

The belief behind that is well, changes in your life are bound to happen. I mean I went from being just a hospital worker, to someone who lives to write and tell her story. That confidence I exude didn’t happen overnight. I had to groom myself for it, pep talks in the mirror are a must. Before I go live on anything, I meditate for 15 mins with yoga. Even my recordings I make sure that I don’t come across as dippy, I’m trying to keep your attention. I’ve worked pretty hard in the last 2 and half months to make this my reality. I have people as far as Australia reading this and I’m honored.

While I’m currently at the point where I’m ready for the next step, I want to take all my memories and put them into a book. I don’t know how many would exactly read it but it’s my dream. The title of this post is also the one I’ve chosen for my book . I think that I will start on that soon, I have so much going on right now, and that I’m happy about. The girl from New Bedford with the big dreams is making it happen!

You must be wondering why I picked that title, it’s got a correlation to my current life. I’ve explained some of my past post about my awakening. Spiritual, mentally and physically, it’s as if the fog had lifted from my life. It happened the week of the fifth anniversary of my mother’s death, and has become a permanent fixture in my life. I truly believe when you allow yourself to heal, what you have manifested will come to you. The song “Speechless” by Michael Jackson played during this time, and it’s become one of my favorite all time songs. Currently on loop in my Most Played on my Apple Music. Google it one of his best and underrated songs. This defining event in my life, allowed me to reevaluate how I look at things and the dynamics behind them. Some things I was close minded to, I’m now open to. It all started with those swarms of butterflies and the moon being different. Very mystical and healing.

There is truly no experience like the one where you come home to yourself. No not in your house alone lol, feeling at home with your complete self. Without working on myself for the last seven months, I believe I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this. I had such major energy blocks, negativity swirling overhead. One day I was like you know what fuck it, I deserve better. As I worked on myself and tapped into my potential, life went on hold. Covid happened, throwing all of us for a tailspin. We are still recovering from that, but that was exactly the time frame I needed to feel like myself again. I did so much soul searching during this time, yoga and putting my thoughts on paper were the best two therapy sessions. I’m still a work in progress and I always will be, forever a student of my own craft.

Next year at this time I hope to be in Jamaica, having a drink by the beach, and enjoying life 🔒 Thats right I’m putting that ish, into the Universe ASAP and I will make it happen. By then I will be published and any financial success will be managed. I want to be comfortable, teach my yoga and write, and of course my life which is becoming exactly what I want it to be. Back to the butterflies for a brief moment: we are born, we close up to develop; we open up again when we are ready and then we take our chance and blossom. Throughout all of these stages of Taaury, I’ve always remained true to myself, and most of all when all is said and done: I’ve evolved into exactly what I was supposed to be 🦋🌸

Take Care

Taaury37

The Roots Of Growth

Im beginning to see the light, well I always have been now so much brighter. I have put more work into building Taaury37 than i used to. Realizing that I can’t just build this alone, I’ve hired professionals. This is a process that piggybacks the work I’ve already put into getting myself out there. At first I was like I don’t know, but you can’t make your dreams come true, without building connections. With an online handshake, I’ve started several partnerships.

By doing this my goal is by next year around this time, to be completely mainstream. This is not to say oh well my soul, this is to continue to create what I started. I will never change the person who writes this, nor will I forget how I got here. I started this all from my phone and I continue to do it that way. I bought a new laptop a couple of months ago, but I feel this style helps me especially if I’m on the go. Thoughts and titles always run through this head of mine, and without my phone by my side I would be lost. Utilizing the Apple and Google ecosystem has allowed me to reach the potential growth I’ve planned out so far.

Taaury37 was built as a platform to share my voice, I don’t sign my real name under my work. It’s a persona that allows me to step out of that little box, and make an impact. From the numbers that I see in views and subscriptions, you my audience understand where I’m going with this. I want you to feel like there is someone in your darkest moments, who hears and sees you. I still live in my 2 bedroom townhouse, I work a 32+ hour week, I am just like you. The difference is that I write to serve communities that sometimes are forgotten.


Advocating for the victims of abuse and mental illnesses is something, that in the past couple of years has resonated with me. I have friends and I can include myself in that number. Not discussing things like this leads to suppressed memories, anxiety and panic disorders. I don’t just throw that knowledge out there, I am one of those statistics. I am not afraid to share that with anyone, it’s a part of my past, present and future. The key to keeping it all in check is not to have triggers, stress or events that make you question yourself and your abilities. Another thing is a support system that understands that you sometimes need to work though it alone, other times you will need their hands or ears. As I’ve mentioned in previous post, never think that you are alone in your battles. Someone is always going to be a text, a FaceTime or call away. I call this technology buddy system, always connected in some form. In reality we know the difference between picking up that phone call or hitting do not disturb, be the lifeline.

Over time you will learn that survival doesn’t depend on others, it’s all been you. It’s always been me, I’ve held myself back for too long. Always waiting for the opportunity to knock, it doesn’t work that way. You have to feel the hunger in your stomach, the pit to know this is NOW. Don’t ever sit by and wait for anyone’s approval on your choices. Life doesn’t wait for us to pull the metaphorical trigger, it will pass you by. If you have a goal, a wish, a dream do it. If you fail so be it, but if you don’t, what’s on the horizon? Only you truly know, your limits are as big as the desire. Whether they be big or small, they are going to happen. Keep your head up, your mind positive and grind like it’s your primary job. At some point in the future the networking and connections, are going to help you rise to the top. Never forget the struggles, that built you or burnt you, congrats on fulfilling your dreams✨

Take Care,

Taaury37

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

This blog is dedicated to those fighting the silent battles in their mind, trust me I hear and see your silent cries. As someone who still suffers from anxiety, this isn’t the best of times for me, but I battle on because if I don’t, I will fall into that dark place. I have learned that sometimes my version of coping mechanisms isn’t the best, but that is something that I’ve tried to improve on this year. The holidays are very tough for me, as someone who isn’t a parent, I don’t have to pretend to feel that spirit that has alluded me for the last 5 years. Instead sometime this week I will sit there and watch Polar Express, and have a good cry. Traditions you see don’t die, just because one of the equation does. It’s my tribute to my Mom and acknowledgment that she existed. I am ready to start grieving in a healthy way this coming year, this one I learned to let go of the anger and abandonment issues. Do we ever get over the loss of a parent? I think we do if we become one ourselves, because we feel that love, which is unconditional from a life we created. Many people say the day of their child’s birth is the first day of life, for all involved. It’s a new beginning, untouched and unfiltered by the world, it is truly a gift. The way my Mom looked at me even if she was upset, was something I wont forget, no matter what I was her Boo and nothing else mattered. That is something that is a gift and a curse for me right now, as her memory is fading from my mind.

Voicemails and recordings that I do have are painful, they are of her telling me that she isn’t immortal as I once thought. She had a timeline at that point, one that came far too quickly, robbing the world and my family of the glue that held us together. After she passed away, I felt awkward at my in-laws house, or with other people. It was like I didn’t belong, I still feel that way years later. If I ever have a family of my own, maybe I will feel different about the subject. Right now its still a sore spot and I am working my way through it, the best way I know how. I’m not alone in that, as I scroll through Facebook and even Twitter, people have expressed feelings of feeling lost, and depressed during this very different holiday season. Isolation has taken on a whole different meaning, its not as optional as it once was, kids seeing their grandparents through windows and masks. The life we once knew, is not the reality we exist in. What we can be thankful for though is even with social distancing, traditions at least for children still exist. The magic of the season, whether it be their Elf on the Shelf, Christmas lights that are ride by, or hot chocolate and cookies, those memories still exist for them.

It’s not all dark and twisty for me this season, I am blessed with a group of friends that have become my family. While I try not burden them with my crying fits about my mother, I do sometimes share the feelings of loss about her with them. It’s not something I feel 100% okay with talking about, but it helps me work through the anxiety of her not being around. When you lose someone that close to you, it’s hard to get over. People who have suffered from similar parental or spouse loss are a part of that club, that’s exclusive but painful. We try to comfort each other with messages or little words of encouragement during the course of days and weeks. It’s the little things truly that can brighten the day of someone who might otherwise be lost in their own thoughts. I know firsthand that first holiday without my mother, I was numb like it wasn’t real to me. I just went through the motions of what was expected of me, not really stopping to feel. I can honestly say five years later, that cut is still fresh, I will still sob for her unexpectedly and ask God why her. The thing is I know the answer, because she was in pain and her body deserved rest, what I saw that January morning was her body, but her spirit was already free.

Depression or anxiety that is year round is a whole different ball of wax. As someone who is very close to a person who suffers from bi polar, I know the different extremes it falls at. Knowing what triggers this person is truly important, because it’s a gauge to how to approach the relationship. When this person decided to no longer seek services or medication, I respected the decision, but also took to account as to why. Not everyone wants to be “controlled” on how to feel or think. That’s why I’ve chosen to not medicate myself myself for my own anxiety. I have in the past and I feel that it doesn’t work for me. Instead I use meditation and yoga to keep me centered, as well as sharing my journey though this blog, which I consider to be therapeutic.

When you suffer from anxiety, the interview process of finding that one person who will make a difference is trying. As a kid opening up about my abuse to a stranger, was uncomfortable. By the time I was a teenager, this was a process I had done about 4 times, each one of them brought something to the table, it just didn’t mean I was going to sit there. It’s more difficult as an adult to find that “perfect” person, because they don’t exist. However there are trained professionals who will make you feel that you matter, and not pass judgment. I think that’s why most people don’t seek out services. No one wants to be the elephant in the room, as if everyone is staring and can feel your inner thoughts. We all know unless someone has a superpower or is psychic that’s not the case.

There are two situations that stick out to me, very different stories of friends. One is the wife of an Army Ranger who is currently deployed. They can either be back and forth daily or go days without contact. Those days seem longer than the norm, when you have no control over what is happening. The feeling of the unknown is scary for her, when she sobs as she looks at the unread texts. It’s becoming a diary and when he finally answers, she can breathe again. Not before the red rimmed eyes and sleepless nights crying herself to sleep over him. That is situational anxiety, and loss of control of her emotions. I say a prayer every night for them, until he’s home safe. The other is a co worker who had lost their spouse this past year. He is a very happy person and brings everyone happiness with his smile. I remember when the spouse was in the hospital for what turned out to be the last time and me approaching him to hug. He was a shadow of himself, already resigned to the grief ahead. He thanked me and said I love you. The spouse passed that night, he was off for about a week and a half and came back. When asked why, he said life goes on and he couldn’t sit at home crying because he would drown in his own grief. The cliche saying time marches on is just that, grief and loss will always linger.

Breakthroughs happen when you choose to accept what situation life is throwing you. My life hasn’t been perfect since my mom died and I’ve tried my hardest to overcome a lot of issues. The grief and anger is something that I think will always be a part of my makeup as a person, it’s how I chose to deal with it daily. Many people go through this time and yet again, missing someone beyond belief and that void always existing. It’s a trauma which does lead to PTSD and other forms of mania sometimes. Seeing that firsthand is scary, I’m not going to lie, but it’s also brought me more awareness as an advocate and as someone who suffers from it. The moment I peeled away the layers of how I felt, was my rebirth. You can’t awaken the person you are meant to be without going through some dark shit. It’s like rewriting the code to your story, the pages are often blank, scribbled outside the margins and footnotes. What’s important here is how you choose to end this story, every path isn’t always for you, it’s jagged and rough before you hit that smooth sailing. You know that feeling you get when the sun hits your face, after the coldest winter? It’s the warmth that beams off your face, the position just right and you breathe and exhale. That’s what it feels like to come to yourself, the messy, damaged, beautiful disaster you are. Just know that you inspire people by just getting out of bed everyday, you are a beautiful ray of light, that this life is testing. Don’t give up, or give in to the temptations that block your way. The music you heard as a kid, maybe your favorite song, you would move fluid to the movement. You felt every beat and tone, let that be lesson as an adult, continue to feel that same freedom and live out loud.

Take Care,

Taaury37

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